I want to run into traffic just to see how far i’ll fly before i’m dead.  Look at the ground before I’m knocked down, run head-on into hell.

I could be happy but that’s not true
what’s happy to me may not make  sense to you.

just because it doesn’t make sense   doesn’t mean you hate it

I fell asleep and never woke up, I haven’t “died” yet because I’m not sure I want to go back yet.  Back to my actual reality.. My immortality is dependent; I am the only one with switch to end this false reality and wake myself up. I don’t know which is worse; being seven and living out the nightmares in my head as my reality or the terrifying crack I’ve fallen into, fucking full of mental decay and illness.  Falsities, and judgement from psychiatrists etc. I wouldn’t be dying, I tell them, I’d be returning.  Just because I’m leaving YOUR reality, doesn’t mean I’m dying.. I’m just waking myself up.  On a different plane of existence… if when I’m gone, you choose a path which somehow justifies your thought process by concluding my decision as selfish, you are weak.  Too naive and stupid to see reality in my situation or try to understand. 

I carved that name into my spine, “I’m fine,” I screamed, “you’e mine.”

Her eyes drive you wild
fixing on yours for a moment
then back to her focus
not too close
but never far away
you long 
to deserve her
to be the reason for her smile
    not every reason
        just one.
you see light in her
she is beautiful
bold
passionate 
     contagious.

You see
not just her anatomy 
but the things that lie beneath

Behind her eyes
is a soul
filled with everything
she has ever known
needed
craved
believed in.

There too
is her past
embedded with lies
shrouded in pain
tainted wit regret
and confusion
grabbing her back from dreaming. 

Her pain halts your breath
you see yourself in her
and it worries you
your chest tightens 
and yearns for her
you would sacrifice anything
for her 

To hold her back
from pain
warm her
wrap her in your kindness
shower her in happiness
give her your safety.

She’s electrifying the room
engulfing you and everyone else
in her light
you stand
picturing yourself
going to her
grabbing her
and letting her soak up
your fondness for her
    you think,
    “if only she’d take it.” 

You sit back down
defeated by your insecurity
and absorb into the crowd  
her laughter burning into the background
her gaze just a memory 
as you find solace 
in a smattering of whiskey.